it's been nearly a year since all of it happened, yet he still remembers it like it was only the week before — remembers the chaos, the pain, the power.
remembers how he felt after Allison, remembers staring at the tea cup and wondering whether he'd rather it be a magical cure or poison. ]
Like I wanted to die?
[ it's phrased as a question, yet there's nothing questioning in it. he knows full well he was about to die, then; he knows full well he would have been fine with that. ]
[ It's a similar thing. Sonia remembers the screams, the loud bangs as people hit others, beat them to death in the streets. She remembers the sounds of bodies dropping from buildings, one after another like dominoes. She remembers the crackle and roar of fires. The thud of cars hitting people in the streets too.
I can still hear it, the sound he made.
Honestly, Peter may never forget that if her own life is anything to show. Perhaps if the Neo World Program had been successful she would have only had blanks in those places, but in a way she's grateful that it did. Not knowing would be worse, because how else would she make up for it? Over time, she's confident Peter will work that out as well it's just... He needs that. He needs time. Perhaps both of them do. ]
Like you do not deserve to live, perhaps may be as accurate. That you do not deserve anything more than to suffer alone. That you cannot trust yourself, that you alone are to blame for that pain, even if there is an outside source that forced you into that mess. I cannot speak for your circumstances, but I doubt it is something you would have wanted either. Whatever happened to you.
[ She pauses, it's maybe not the best way to bring this up, but it's something she can understand quite heavily given what happened in her situation. ]
I am merely trying to say... try not to confuse what he wants, and what he thinks he has to do.
i know...................... and it pains me greatly
[ was there an outside source? yes, there was... and yet there wasn't, for how was something inside his mind outside of him? shouldn't he have been able to close the door, to stop it all from happening? and even when his friends tried to help, to bring him back from the corner of his mind he'd been trapped in... all it did was make things worse.
all he did was make things worse. ]
... something got into my head. A lot of people got killed.
[ it's a flat, quiet explanation, leaving more questions than answers, but it's something. more than he's ever voluntarily spoken to anyone about the matter of the nogitsune.
still — her next words are an easy distraction, his attention shifting. he understands what she means, what she thinks has happened... but she's wrong. she must be. ] ... you're wrong. That's not why —
[ it isn't, because it can't be. Peter wouldn't be that stupid, would he? breaking up because he thinks he has to? no... that's not it. that's not what he remembers.
(and what if he remembers wrong? what if she's right? no, he thinks. he can't believe her, because believing for even a second would be giving himself hope he doesn't have, and to have that taken away... he couldn't. he can't. he barely made it through the first time; there isn't enough of his heart left to hear the reasons, to ask only so that the shards of his heart can be crushed even more.
he can't; he won't.) ] ... I'm not confusing anything.
[ Well, if that were the case for him, shouldn't it have been for her? Junko didn't stay inside their heads, just tweaked their psyches to make them only think of one thing above all others. Technically, nothing had been inside her head at all, which is why it's hard to actually come to accept it when people tell her she isn't to be blamed.
It's why her voice softens. ]
Similar to mine, or different?
[ She doesn't say anything else for a while after it, because she's at a loss of what to do if he won't listen to reason either. All she can hope is that over time Peter will stop being so stubborn about it all and tell him instead. Make it so she doesn't have to try.
She doesn't want either of them to be in pain like this. ]
Do not accuse me of lying, Stiles... please. If you do not wish to believe it, that is on you. I just think... there is a lot more to it than you may be willing to see right now.
[ "Think" is quite loose here. Know is more accurate, when she thinks of how Peter told her he'd got a second chance this time. It isn't her place to say more than any of that though. They need to be able to talk it out for themselves some day. ]
[ that's all he manages, before the words shatter, break and fall apart like a hollow tree, its bark cracking in a storm, falling down with a crash. he can't speak of this as well, not now, not like this. not when his mind can't — ]
I can't... I'll tell you later, I promise. Just, not now. [ if he starts to think of it more, too... he is already barely holding himself together. explaining everything that he did while the nogitsune was inside his mind, what he did afterwards — thinking of it is enough to make the air in his lungs disappear, creating a vacuum that is suffocating him. ]
I don't think you're lying. I just don't think you're right, either.
[ it's quiet, humorless, yet the smile comes through in his words — a smile that's sad and tired and an effective way to end this conversation, as well... he's already said too much. ]
[ Her breath holds at the way he pauses, worried even more now because maybe it was a mistake to bring any of this up but she had thought it would help, give him some solace about it not being his fault and really that Peter truly is an idiot, yet here they are. ]
I will not question you again, just come to me when you are ready.
[ She's also just devastated for them both, caught in the middle when she wishes she could do more. Things are already bad enough here that this is just... it feels like too much. Even if it isn't for her to cry over it, her eyes feel like they're burning from holding back the tears for the pain she feels for them.
Then softly: ]
That is because you are just as stubborn as I am. Please do not do anything reckless.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
there would be so many star wars jokes to make here im smh
it's been nearly a year since all of it happened, yet he still remembers it like it was only the week before — remembers the chaos, the pain, the power.
remembers how he felt after Allison, remembers staring at the tea cup and wondering whether he'd rather it be a magical cure or poison. ]
Like I wanted to die?
[ it's phrased as a question, yet there's nothing questioning in it. he knows full well he was about to die, then; he knows full well he would have been fine with that. ]
and i wouldn't get any of them c:0
I can still hear it, the sound he made.
Honestly, Peter may never forget that if her own life is anything to show. Perhaps if the Neo World Program had been successful she would have only had blanks in those places, but in a way she's grateful that it did. Not knowing would be worse, because how else would she make up for it? Over time, she's confident Peter will work that out as well it's just... He needs that. He needs time. Perhaps both of them do. ]
Like you do not deserve to live, perhaps may be as accurate. That you do not deserve anything more than to suffer alone. That you cannot trust yourself, that you alone are to blame for that pain, even if there is an outside source that forced you into that mess. I cannot speak for your circumstances, but I doubt it is something you would have wanted either. Whatever happened to you.
[ She pauses, it's maybe not the best way to bring this up, but it's something she can understand quite heavily given what happened in her situation. ]
I am merely trying to say... try not to confuse what he wants, and what he thinks he has to do.
i know...................... and it pains me greatly
[ was there an outside source? yes, there was... and yet there wasn't, for how was something inside his mind outside of him? shouldn't he have been able to close the door, to stop it all from happening? and even when his friends tried to help, to bring him back from the corner of his mind he'd been trapped in... all it did was make things worse.
all he did was make things worse. ]
... something got into my head. A lot of people got killed.
[ it's a flat, quiet explanation, leaving more questions than answers, but it's something. more than he's ever voluntarily spoken to anyone about the matter of the nogitsune.
still — her next words are an easy distraction, his attention shifting. he understands what she means, what she thinks has happened... but she's wrong. she must be. ] ... you're wrong. That's not why —
[ it isn't, because it can't be. Peter wouldn't be that stupid, would he? breaking up because he thinks he has to? no... that's not it. that's not what he remembers.
(and what if he remembers wrong? what if she's right? no, he thinks. he can't believe her, because believing for even a second would be giving himself hope he doesn't have, and to have that taken away... he couldn't. he can't. he barely made it through the first time; there isn't enough of his heart left to hear the reasons, to ask only so that the shards of his heart can be crushed even more.
he can't; he won't.) ] ... I'm not confusing anything.
gomen celen...........
It's why her voice softens. ]
Similar to mine, or different?
[ She doesn't say anything else for a while after it, because she's at a loss of what to do if he won't listen to reason either. All she can hope is that over time Peter will stop being so stubborn about it all and tell him instead. Make it so she doesn't have to try.
She doesn't want either of them to be in pain like this. ]
Do not accuse me of lying, Stiles... please. If you do not wish to believe it, that is on you. I just think... there is a lot more to it than you may be willing to see right now.
[ "Think" is quite loose here. Know is more accurate, when she thinks of how Peter told her he'd got a second chance this time. It isn't her place to say more than any of that though. They need to be able to talk it out for themselves some day. ]
cries ;n;
[ that's all he manages, before the words shatter, break and fall apart like a hollow tree, its bark cracking in a storm, falling down with a crash. he can't speak of this as well, not now, not like this. not when his mind can't — ]
I can't... I'll tell you later, I promise. Just, not now. [ if he starts to think of it more, too... he is already barely holding himself together. explaining everything that he did while the nogitsune was inside his mind, what he did afterwards — thinking of it is enough to make the air in his lungs disappear, creating a vacuum that is suffocating him. ]
I don't think you're lying. I just don't think you're right, either.
[ it's quiet, humorless, yet the smile comes through in his words — a smile that's sad and tired and an effective way to end this conversation, as well... he's already said too much. ]
holds u
I will not question you again, just come to me when you are ready.
[ She's also just devastated for them both, caught in the middle when she wishes she could do more. Things are already bad enough here that this is just... it feels like too much. Even if it isn't for her to cry over it, her eyes feel like they're burning from holding back the tears for the pain she feels for them.
Then softly: ]
That is because you are just as stubborn as I am. Please do not do anything reckless.