[ It may be too late for that, but as someone who actually knows and understands the reasoning behind it, she's putting things into place in her head already. ]
I see.
[ So it may have been before Peter came to see her, she isn't sure. The one thing she can understand out of this though is that from how Stiles had been after he was injured, wanting to find and help Peter, to save him, this can't have been a mutual break up.
Just what is she supposed to do with that?
Her own voice is merely a mumble when she speaks again, knowing that the situation is delicate yet not knowing how to approach it either. ]
I presume he did not give you much choice in the matter, either.
[ It's one thing she'd fear happening as well, the uselessness that must come from not being able to get through to someone after the worst has already happened. Knowing what Haise's situation is, she wonders how much all of this has crossed his mind as well. She knows something there is changing, but if it comes to this... to the point where something fatal may lead him to pushing himself away happens, would she even want to get closer than they already are?
She doesn't word any of this, but figuring out Stiles and Peter's own mess sheds some light onto the possibilities of her own.
It's harder to imagine what Stiles might think, though from how selfless he tends to be, breaking himself if needs be, she cannot imagine he would have been all right with being told all of this either.
She breathes out, tries to keep her voice steady. ]
[ Olivia told him not to apologize for speaking to her, yet Stiles already feels the same regret bubbling up, simply from hearing Sonia's quiet voice, the way silence stretches between one response and the next; he shouldn't have told her. he shouldn't have dragged her into this mess when she could have avoided it, could have stayed blissfully ignorant of the entire mess they've managed to make of things.
and yet —
and yet, when she voices her assumption (a correct one, the only one there is to make, what else could it possibly be), he bites down on his lip to keep himself from answering, from saying anything more that could tear apart the hasty stitches he's using to keep himself together.
he'd managed to hold onto his shields with Peter, only breaking down once he was gone, once he was sure no one would ever hear his heart cracking into pieces like a glass bottle meeting the floor.
this time... the shield isn't quite there.
softly, quietly, Stiles laughs.
(it's a terrible sound.) ]
What gave that away? [ his response comes with a voice that is deceptively calm, even light, like he's looking back at everything he's ever said and done and all he can do is laugh, because no one, no one would ever think this was his idea, that there would ever be anything in this world or any world that would make him want to push Peter away. ]
... I promised. That I'd — [ the words break, die out. ] It's fine. I'm fine. This... it's what he wants. If us not being — ... as long as he's happy, it's fine. [ that's all that really matters... if this is what Peter wants, who is he to fight it? it doesn't matter that his heart keeps screaming. it doesn't matter. ]
[ The silence stretches on and she isn't sure if she should have made that statement, but having spoken to them both... it was inevitable that it came to this. At least, knowing the kind of pain they both are in now, not knowing how to make it better yet at the same time not wanting to accidentally make it worse.
The sound he makes as her reaching up, fingers pressing against her heart as she winces, it is a terrible sound. Broken, almost, in a way that he shouldn't be laughing at all when it comes to this.
Woodhurst was truly cruel. ]
I spoke with him as well. I would... not say he is happy either. [ Because in the end, both of them are suffering and she feels helpless like this. Wishes that this wasn't all in audio but in person so she could offer the comfort he probably needs right now. He's just as stubborn in that regard too though. ]
Stiles, may I ask you a question? [ She doesn't know if he will give her permission to or not, so she ploughs on anyway. If anything, it's something she can associate herself with. The guilt that consumes you when you have harmed a loved one is much worse than a stranger, even in accidents like this had been. Her own case was no accident, but it was fueled by something out of her control. ]
[ no, he won't let himself ask, biting down on his lower lip until he can taste rust. it isn't for him to ask, though he wishes he could, wants to rewind the conversation to tell her that no, he didn't think Peter would be happy, not with everything that happened, the virus —
in the end, it doesn't even come down to that. Peter told him he couldn't keep doing this anymore, this being what they had... that's what matters. that's what should matter.
(yet, it's not all.)
he is about to agree, as any question she might have can't possibly make this conversation any worse than it already is, can't twist the knife in his stomach any more than this... but he doesn't get a chance to say anything at all before the question is already out. ]
... yes. [ he thinks back to all the lies he told his dad, back home, thinks back to the bloodshed that was half of Beacon Hills after the nogitsune had a hold of him. thinks back to Scott, feeding on all of his pain. ]
[ She's getting there whether Stiles wants to hear or not though, because in the end if he keeps thinking it's for something worse than it is... will he start to think it about himself as well? That Peter ended it just because he didn't want him? That would be unacceptable.
The response makes her pause momentarily though, makes her wonder what he's kept to himself this entire time even when she had told him everything as well. ]
How did you feel when that happened? [ Her voice is softer this time though, awaiting the answer she expects to come just from how he's acted thus far. It's hard to imagine anyone who can be so considerate of others more than himself would not feel the guilt for having done something awful to someone else. ]
there would be so many star wars jokes to make here im smh
it's been nearly a year since all of it happened, yet he still remembers it like it was only the week before — remembers the chaos, the pain, the power.
remembers how he felt after Allison, remembers staring at the tea cup and wondering whether he'd rather it be a magical cure or poison. ]
Like I wanted to die?
[ it's phrased as a question, yet there's nothing questioning in it. he knows full well he was about to die, then; he knows full well he would have been fine with that. ]
[ It's a similar thing. Sonia remembers the screams, the loud bangs as people hit others, beat them to death in the streets. She remembers the sounds of bodies dropping from buildings, one after another like dominoes. She remembers the crackle and roar of fires. The thud of cars hitting people in the streets too.
I can still hear it, the sound he made.
Honestly, Peter may never forget that if her own life is anything to show. Perhaps if the Neo World Program had been successful she would have only had blanks in those places, but in a way she's grateful that it did. Not knowing would be worse, because how else would she make up for it? Over time, she's confident Peter will work that out as well it's just... He needs that. He needs time. Perhaps both of them do. ]
Like you do not deserve to live, perhaps may be as accurate. That you do not deserve anything more than to suffer alone. That you cannot trust yourself, that you alone are to blame for that pain, even if there is an outside source that forced you into that mess. I cannot speak for your circumstances, but I doubt it is something you would have wanted either. Whatever happened to you.
[ She pauses, it's maybe not the best way to bring this up, but it's something she can understand quite heavily given what happened in her situation. ]
I am merely trying to say... try not to confuse what he wants, and what he thinks he has to do.
i know...................... and it pains me greatly
[ was there an outside source? yes, there was... and yet there wasn't, for how was something inside his mind outside of him? shouldn't he have been able to close the door, to stop it all from happening? and even when his friends tried to help, to bring him back from the corner of his mind he'd been trapped in... all it did was make things worse.
all he did was make things worse. ]
... something got into my head. A lot of people got killed.
[ it's a flat, quiet explanation, leaving more questions than answers, but it's something. more than he's ever voluntarily spoken to anyone about the matter of the nogitsune.
still — her next words are an easy distraction, his attention shifting. he understands what she means, what she thinks has happened... but she's wrong. she must be. ] ... you're wrong. That's not why —
[ it isn't, because it can't be. Peter wouldn't be that stupid, would he? breaking up because he thinks he has to? no... that's not it. that's not what he remembers.
(and what if he remembers wrong? what if she's right? no, he thinks. he can't believe her, because believing for even a second would be giving himself hope he doesn't have, and to have that taken away... he couldn't. he can't. he barely made it through the first time; there isn't enough of his heart left to hear the reasons, to ask only so that the shards of his heart can be crushed even more.
he can't; he won't.) ] ... I'm not confusing anything.
[ Well, if that were the case for him, shouldn't it have been for her? Junko didn't stay inside their heads, just tweaked their psyches to make them only think of one thing above all others. Technically, nothing had been inside her head at all, which is why it's hard to actually come to accept it when people tell her she isn't to be blamed.
It's why her voice softens. ]
Similar to mine, or different?
[ She doesn't say anything else for a while after it, because she's at a loss of what to do if he won't listen to reason either. All she can hope is that over time Peter will stop being so stubborn about it all and tell him instead. Make it so she doesn't have to try.
She doesn't want either of them to be in pain like this. ]
Do not accuse me of lying, Stiles... please. If you do not wish to believe it, that is on you. I just think... there is a lot more to it than you may be willing to see right now.
[ "Think" is quite loose here. Know is more accurate, when she thinks of how Peter told her he'd got a second chance this time. It isn't her place to say more than any of that though. They need to be able to talk it out for themselves some day. ]
[ that's all he manages, before the words shatter, break and fall apart like a hollow tree, its bark cracking in a storm, falling down with a crash. he can't speak of this as well, not now, not like this. not when his mind can't — ]
I can't... I'll tell you later, I promise. Just, not now. [ if he starts to think of it more, too... he is already barely holding himself together. explaining everything that he did while the nogitsune was inside his mind, what he did afterwards — thinking of it is enough to make the air in his lungs disappear, creating a vacuum that is suffocating him. ]
I don't think you're lying. I just don't think you're right, either.
[ it's quiet, humorless, yet the smile comes through in his words — a smile that's sad and tired and an effective way to end this conversation, as well... he's already said too much. ]
[ Her breath holds at the way he pauses, worried even more now because maybe it was a mistake to bring any of this up but she had thought it would help, give him some solace about it not being his fault and really that Peter truly is an idiot, yet here they are. ]
I will not question you again, just come to me when you are ready.
[ She's also just devastated for them both, caught in the middle when she wishes she could do more. Things are already bad enough here that this is just... it feels like too much. Even if it isn't for her to cry over it, her eyes feel like they're burning from holding back the tears for the pain she feels for them.
Then softly: ]
That is because you are just as stubborn as I am. Please do not do anything reckless.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
;n;
I see.
[ So it may have been before Peter came to see her, she isn't sure. The one thing she can understand out of this though is that from how Stiles had been after he was injured, wanting to find and help Peter, to save him, this can't have been a mutual break up.
Just what is she supposed to do with that?
Her own voice is merely a mumble when she speaks again, knowing that the situation is delicate yet not knowing how to approach it either. ]
I presume he did not give you much choice in the matter, either.
[ It's one thing she'd fear happening as well, the uselessness that must come from not being able to get through to someone after the worst has already happened. Knowing what Haise's situation is, she wonders how much all of this has crossed his mind as well. She knows something there is changing, but if it comes to this... to the point where something fatal may lead him to pushing himself away happens, would she even want to get closer than they already are?
She doesn't word any of this, but figuring out Stiles and Peter's own mess sheds some light onto the possibilities of her own.
It's harder to imagine what Stiles might think, though from how selfless he tends to be, breaking himself if needs be, she cannot imagine he would have been all right with being told all of this either.
She breathes out, tries to keep her voice steady. ]
Thank you, for telling me.
sneaks u a response
and yet —
and yet, when she voices her assumption (a correct one, the only one there is to make, what else could it possibly be), he bites down on his lip to keep himself from answering, from saying anything more that could tear apart the hasty stitches he's using to keep himself together.
he'd managed to hold onto his shields with Peter, only breaking down once he was gone, once he was sure no one would ever hear his heart cracking into pieces like a glass bottle meeting the floor.
this time... the shield isn't quite there.
softly, quietly, Stiles laughs.
(it's a terrible sound.) ]
What gave that away? [ his response comes with a voice that is deceptively calm, even light, like he's looking back at everything he's ever said and done and all he can do is laugh, because no one, no one would ever think this was his idea, that there would ever be anything in this world or any world that would make him want to push Peter away. ]
... I promised. That I'd — [ the words break, die out. ] It's fine. I'm fine. This... it's what he wants. If us not being — ... as long as he's happy, it's fine. [ that's all that really matters... if this is what Peter wants, who is he to fight it? it doesn't matter that his heart keeps screaming. it doesn't matter. ]
what a rebel
The sound he makes as her reaching up, fingers pressing against her heart as she winces, it is a terrible sound. Broken, almost, in a way that he shouldn't be laughing at all when it comes to this.
Woodhurst was truly cruel. ]
I spoke with him as well. I would... not say he is happy either. [ Because in the end, both of them are suffering and she feels helpless like this. Wishes that this wasn't all in audio but in person so she could offer the comfort he probably needs right now. He's just as stubborn in that regard too though. ]
Stiles, may I ask you a question? [ She doesn't know if he will give her permission to or not, so she ploughs on anyway. If anything, it's something she can associate herself with. The guilt that consumes you when you have harmed a loved one is much worse than a stranger, even in accidents like this had been. Her own case was no accident, but it was fueled by something out of her control. ]
Have you ever harmed someone you care about?
ikr it's what i do
[ no, he won't let himself ask, biting down on his lower lip until he can taste rust. it isn't for him to ask, though he wishes he could, wants to rewind the conversation to tell her that no, he didn't think Peter would be happy, not with everything that happened, the virus —
in the end, it doesn't even come down to that. Peter told him he couldn't keep doing this anymore, this being what they had... that's what matters. that's what should matter.
(yet, it's not all.)
he is about to agree, as any question she might have can't possibly make this conversation any worse than it already is, can't twist the knife in his stomach any more than this... but he doesn't get a chance to say anything at all before the question is already out. ]
... yes. [ he thinks back to all the lies he told his dad, back home, thinks back to the bloodshed that was half of Beacon Hills after the nogitsune had a hold of him. thinks back to Scott, feeding on all of his pain. ]
the biggest rebel
The response makes her pause momentarily though, makes her wonder what he's kept to himself this entire time even when she had told him everything as well. ]
How did you feel when that happened? [ Her voice is softer this time though, awaiting the answer she expects to come just from how he's acted thus far. It's hard to imagine anyone who can be so considerate of others more than himself would not feel the guilt for having done something awful to someone else. ]
there would be so many star wars jokes to make here im smh
it's been nearly a year since all of it happened, yet he still remembers it like it was only the week before — remembers the chaos, the pain, the power.
remembers how he felt after Allison, remembers staring at the tea cup and wondering whether he'd rather it be a magical cure or poison. ]
Like I wanted to die?
[ it's phrased as a question, yet there's nothing questioning in it. he knows full well he was about to die, then; he knows full well he would have been fine with that. ]
and i wouldn't get any of them c:0
I can still hear it, the sound he made.
Honestly, Peter may never forget that if her own life is anything to show. Perhaps if the Neo World Program had been successful she would have only had blanks in those places, but in a way she's grateful that it did. Not knowing would be worse, because how else would she make up for it? Over time, she's confident Peter will work that out as well it's just... He needs that. He needs time. Perhaps both of them do. ]
Like you do not deserve to live, perhaps may be as accurate. That you do not deserve anything more than to suffer alone. That you cannot trust yourself, that you alone are to blame for that pain, even if there is an outside source that forced you into that mess. I cannot speak for your circumstances, but I doubt it is something you would have wanted either. Whatever happened to you.
[ She pauses, it's maybe not the best way to bring this up, but it's something she can understand quite heavily given what happened in her situation. ]
I am merely trying to say... try not to confuse what he wants, and what he thinks he has to do.
i know...................... and it pains me greatly
[ was there an outside source? yes, there was... and yet there wasn't, for how was something inside his mind outside of him? shouldn't he have been able to close the door, to stop it all from happening? and even when his friends tried to help, to bring him back from the corner of his mind he'd been trapped in... all it did was make things worse.
all he did was make things worse. ]
... something got into my head. A lot of people got killed.
[ it's a flat, quiet explanation, leaving more questions than answers, but it's something. more than he's ever voluntarily spoken to anyone about the matter of the nogitsune.
still — her next words are an easy distraction, his attention shifting. he understands what she means, what she thinks has happened... but she's wrong. she must be. ] ... you're wrong. That's not why —
[ it isn't, because it can't be. Peter wouldn't be that stupid, would he? breaking up because he thinks he has to? no... that's not it. that's not what he remembers.
(and what if he remembers wrong? what if she's right? no, he thinks. he can't believe her, because believing for even a second would be giving himself hope he doesn't have, and to have that taken away... he couldn't. he can't. he barely made it through the first time; there isn't enough of his heart left to hear the reasons, to ask only so that the shards of his heart can be crushed even more.
he can't; he won't.) ] ... I'm not confusing anything.
gomen celen...........
It's why her voice softens. ]
Similar to mine, or different?
[ She doesn't say anything else for a while after it, because she's at a loss of what to do if he won't listen to reason either. All she can hope is that over time Peter will stop being so stubborn about it all and tell him instead. Make it so she doesn't have to try.
She doesn't want either of them to be in pain like this. ]
Do not accuse me of lying, Stiles... please. If you do not wish to believe it, that is on you. I just think... there is a lot more to it than you may be willing to see right now.
[ "Think" is quite loose here. Know is more accurate, when she thinks of how Peter told her he'd got a second chance this time. It isn't her place to say more than any of that though. They need to be able to talk it out for themselves some day. ]
cries ;n;
[ that's all he manages, before the words shatter, break and fall apart like a hollow tree, its bark cracking in a storm, falling down with a crash. he can't speak of this as well, not now, not like this. not when his mind can't — ]
I can't... I'll tell you later, I promise. Just, not now. [ if he starts to think of it more, too... he is already barely holding himself together. explaining everything that he did while the nogitsune was inside his mind, what he did afterwards — thinking of it is enough to make the air in his lungs disappear, creating a vacuum that is suffocating him. ]
I don't think you're lying. I just don't think you're right, either.
[ it's quiet, humorless, yet the smile comes through in his words — a smile that's sad and tired and an effective way to end this conversation, as well... he's already said too much. ]
holds u
I will not question you again, just come to me when you are ready.
[ She's also just devastated for them both, caught in the middle when she wishes she could do more. Things are already bad enough here that this is just... it feels like too much. Even if it isn't for her to cry over it, her eyes feel like they're burning from holding back the tears for the pain she feels for them.
Then softly: ]
That is because you are just as stubborn as I am. Please do not do anything reckless.