My world is unfixable, it may be that this world falls into the same category. What then?
[ Her eyes close, she's just too tired to fight about this. ]
I keep working, but my concentration is getting worse and worse, so I take the oxytocin to clear my head. You might disagree with my choice on that, but I cannot ask anyone to sit here with my for hours a day just to hold onto me so I can think about something other than how hungry I am. Even now, all I can think about is the steak or burger I have in the freezer. Or the packet of cookies in the cupboard. Anything that I can chew on.
[ It's getting tiring going around in circles like this, and even if there is an experiment running in the background, she might not have the concentration or energy left after to get back to it.
The next question has her eyes darting away, her mouth setting into a firm line. ]
No. [ It's only one word, but... ] I cannot sleep, so I have been taking something to aid that.
[ And if he argues with her on that she'll only get crankier tbh. ]
[he sighs deeply, like a teacher with a young student. or a boss and his wayward gang.]
You're going to end up hurting yourself.
[they are going in circles, because that's the only way he gets all the information. but it's come full circle again and his conclusion is the same - only this time, she doesn't have the benefit of "it's only one hormone"]
[ She's going to end up lashing out if they keep going in circles like this though. ]
What does that matter?
[ It's said blunty, calmly at least though the coldness in her own expression this time isn't something to ignore. Not when normally she'd try and keep a warmer and more welcoming look about her to not be distant. This is something else. ]
[maybe kaz is a masochist, or he's so messed up that anger and coldness are easier to swallow than warmth. they feel more real to him than anything else.]
This team needs you.
[like he's said, the dead can't solve problems. it's something he's told himself over and over again. brick by brick, until pekka rollins was completely destroyed. then he can rest. then he can lay down and die. until then he'll claw his way out of that canal over and over again if he has to.]
Not just your expertise, although you know more than most people. But also....people care about you. They want you to live.
Perhaps to some extent, though it may not be as much as you think.
[ Urahara pushing her away, putting distance there has her raw in a way she doesn't want to own up to. She doesn't really know how to deal with rejection, especially when she's stuck fighting what feels like a losing battle for her consciousness on a daily basis. She can't remember the last time she slept well either, the last time she asked Haise if he was free so he could stay over and they could pretend the world wasn't going under.
It's amazing how much an infection can tell you, put thoughts into your head about what a situation reads as. ]
["I don't care about anyone" catches in his throat, but he stops himself. he'd already held her hand. which meant he'd already done the most terrifying thing in the world. she wasn't going to stop seeing him as human. or maybe she could.
a truth: he wishes he could push her to that. he can see how easy it would be to tell her no, to tell her he doesn't give a damn about whether she lives or not. it's what he would've done before. in her condition, it would probably be enough to break up whatever exists of their friendship.
he would've done it before.
there are too many people he has not been honest with. inej must be safe, wylan would be fretting too much if she wasn't. but what did she think of him before they saved her? did she imagine him not caring? did she imagine that he'd leave her? had he given her any reason not to?
kaz brekker doesn't want to be a better person. but he also knows too well the consequences of not giving at least a little to those around you. he knows the mistakes he made with inej. knows what he will never have back from jordie.
the memory of jordie is everywhere in woodhurst, and maybe so too is the memory of the boy he was who died. the boy who wanted friendships, who wanted love. the boy who would tell him he had to tell sonia he cared about her. it is sentimental. it is stupid.
but like holding hands was a cure for some of the symptoms, so too was emotional attachment. he knows that. he knows it. he knows he should've been more clear with inej. he would not take off all his armor for her, but could he not have met her halfway?
could he not give sonia something, instead of ruining another good thing in his life?]
Yes. I am here because I care about you. Because I am worried about you.
[ If anything, she's gone the opposite way. Back home she had been given little chance of making attachments, had few friends who could understand her and didn't try to take advantage of their relation with her. It's why most of her knowledge of people comes from teachings from her family of how to behave as a royal and... dramas.
It means, as well, that being in Audentes has made her realise she might have craved those attachments. There are people she's latched onto, people she's impressed and people who she just hasn't got to know yet.
In the end, even with all that though, she doesn't really expect this. She doesn't know how deep his own issues go so it's impossible for her to note just how far he's gone out of his way today, though there are signs that show it's difficult. Giovanni has similar issues, but they are also from different backgrounds in that way as well. From how Jesper has described their home to her, it isn't dark and underground as Giovanni's home was so she can't even begin to place what happened there.
She only knows that no one would talk about the queen's plague back at the morgue. It had been brushed over.
She had expected this to be brushed over as well, just as Urahara had brushed over it all when she'd broken down during a call. ]
You... [ She only manages the one word, eyes wide as if she doesn't know whether to step forward or back. All she can think to do is stand there, still as a statue as though time has really stopped. ] ...do?
[i mean, this is kaz we're talking about. it's very hard for him to admit anything about feelings, especially this. but it is true all the same, and it was worth telling.
I see. [ It's all she says for a moment, her hands clasping together now. ] Though that does not change how difficult this is.
When all you can think about is how delicious something may taste, how hungry you are... I have not reached the stage yet where I am tempted to go after another person, but I cannot deny it lies in my future unless we find that cure.
Would you prefer I lose myself to this instead? To wake up from the nightmare of what I had done before... to do that again.
I would not be able to live with myself at all. Perhaps it may be selfish of me to choose this way, but... no one else has to live with what I do. No one should have to see something like that again, so it is safer if I am kept prisoner here, if I lose myself only in these walls.
[kaz listens while she talks - lets her say the whole piece. it's hard to listen to, but he doesn't let that show. hearing it isn't nearly as hard as the way she's having to live it. he can be patient and at least hear her out. after she's done, he keeps his voice as even as he can. as calm as he can.]
I understand it's difficult. But there are different ways of managing it. Ways that hurt your body less.
[ She isn't going to agree either way, simply put she's too stubborn to believe there's a better way for this. At least no way that won't put others in harm when she's slipping up already. ]
Doing something stupid right now would be going outside and putting others at risk. It would have been trying to work at the hospital, when I can barely keep my thoughts in line most of the time.
As you can see, I am not doing either of those things.
[ and sadly she's too stubborn to do otherwise. oops. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Her eyes close, she's just too tired to fight about this. ]
I keep working, but my concentration is getting worse and worse, so I take the oxytocin to clear my head. You might disagree with my choice on that, but I cannot ask anyone to sit here with my for hours a day just to hold onto me so I can think about something other than how hungry I am. Even now, all I can think about is the steak or burger I have in the freezer. Or the packet of cookies in the cupboard. Anything that I can chew on.
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[ in other words screw worlds be selfish honestly]
Is that the only thing you're taking?
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[ It's getting tiring going around in circles like this, and even if there is an experiment running in the background, she might not have the concentration or energy left after to get back to it.
The next question has her eyes darting away, her mouth setting into a firm line. ]
No. [ It's only one word, but... ] I cannot sleep, so I have been taking something to aid that.
[ And if he argues with her on that she'll only get crankier tbh. ]
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You're going to end up hurting yourself.
[they are going in circles, because that's the only way he gets all the information. but it's come full circle again and his conclusion is the same - only this time, she doesn't have the benefit of "it's only one hormone"]
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What does that matter?
[ It's said blunty, calmly at least though the coldness in her own expression this time isn't something to ignore. Not when normally she'd try and keep a warmer and more welcoming look about her to not be distant. This is something else. ]
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This team needs you.
[like he's said, the dead can't solve problems. it's something he's told himself over and over again. brick by brick, until pekka rollins was completely destroyed. then he can rest. then he can lay down and die. until then he'll claw his way out of that canal over and over again if he has to.]
Not just your expertise, although you know more than most people. But also....people care about you. They want you to live.
no subject
[ Urahara pushing her away, putting distance there has her raw in a way she doesn't want to own up to. She doesn't really know how to deal with rejection, especially when she's stuck fighting what feels like a losing battle for her consciousness on a daily basis. She can't remember the last time she slept well either, the last time she asked Haise if he was free so he could stay over and they could pretend the world wasn't going under.
It's amazing how much an infection can tell you, put thoughts into your head about what a situation reads as. ]
Is that why you are here?
no subject
a truth: he wishes he could push her to that. he can see how easy it would be to tell her no, to tell her he doesn't give a damn about whether she lives or not. it's what he would've done before. in her condition, it would probably be enough to break up whatever exists of their friendship.
he would've done it before.
there are too many people he has not been honest with. inej must be safe, wylan would be fretting too much if she wasn't. but what did she think of him before they saved her? did she imagine him not caring? did she imagine that he'd leave her? had he given her any reason not to?
kaz brekker doesn't want to be a better person. but he also knows too well the consequences of not giving at least a little to those around you. he knows the mistakes he made with inej. knows what he will never have back from jordie.
the memory of jordie is everywhere in woodhurst, and maybe so too is the memory of the boy he was who died. the boy who wanted friendships, who wanted love. the boy who would tell him he had to tell sonia he cared about her. it is sentimental. it is stupid.
but like holding hands was a cure for some of the symptoms, so too was emotional attachment. he knows that. he knows it. he knows he should've been more clear with inej. he would not take off all his armor for her, but could he not have met her halfway?
could he not give sonia something, instead of ruining another good thing in his life?]
Yes. I am here because I care about you. Because I am worried about you.
no subject
It means, as well, that being in Audentes has made her realise she might have craved those attachments. There are people she's latched onto, people she's impressed and people who she just hasn't got to know yet.
In the end, even with all that though, she doesn't really expect this. She doesn't know how deep his own issues go so it's impossible for her to note just how far he's gone out of his way today, though there are signs that show it's difficult. Giovanni has similar issues, but they are also from different backgrounds in that way as well. From how Jesper has described their home to her, it isn't dark and underground as Giovanni's home was so she can't even begin to place what happened there.
She only knows that no one would talk about the queen's plague back at the morgue. It had been brushed over.
She had expected this to be brushed over as well, just as Urahara had brushed over it all when she'd broken down during a call. ]
You... [ She only manages the one word, eyes wide as if she doesn't know whether to step forward or back. All she can think to do is stand there, still as a statue as though time has really stopped. ] ...do?
no subject
[i mean, this is kaz we're talking about. it's very hard for him to admit anything about feelings, especially this. but it is true all the same, and it was worth telling.
especially when she seems so surprised.]
I'm hardly the only one.
[that feels worth reiterating.]
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When all you can think about is how delicious something may taste, how hungry you are... I have not reached the stage yet where I am tempted to go after another person, but I cannot deny it lies in my future unless we find that cure.
Would you prefer I lose myself to this instead? To wake up from the nightmare of what I had done before... to do that again.
I would not be able to live with myself at all. Perhaps it may be selfish of me to choose this way, but... no one else has to live with what I do. No one should have to see something like that again, so it is safer if I am kept prisoner here, if I lose myself only in these walls.
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I understand it's difficult. But there are different ways of managing it. Ways that hurt your body less.
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[ She isn't going to agree either way, simply put she's too stubborn to believe there's a better way for this. At least no way that won't put others in harm when she's slipping up already. ]
Please... do not ask it of me again.
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[but her logic is one that manages to hit him pretty deep, for all he knows he can't show it. that's not going to help him here.]
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As you can see, I am not doing either of those things.
[ and sadly she's too stubborn to do otherwise. oops. ]
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[he makes a frustrated noise, shaking his head.]
I don't want to end up having to be the person who says "I told you so."
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[ She tilts her chin up a little, the perfect picture of a defiant princess for sure. ]
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[ Her hand reaches up, curling around her elbow of her other hand. ]
If you are finished, I would like to return to my work.