[doing this is incredibly difficult. he's pulled a million cons and schemed a million plans, and every one of them is simpler than the act of holding sonia's hand.]
Find someone who can do this for you, instead of putting things in your body.
I cannot. [ Her own voice is softer as she says that, and it's dangerous going into this here, but she needs him to know why she's not willing to let anyone linger in this apartment for too long. No one but Giovanni has for days now. ]
Giovanni is not the type either, and... There are few others I trust with the knowledge of what I could do to them if something were to go wrong.
[ She still isn't letting go though, because even if this is hard on him, she needs the support to explain herself properly when she's still refusing. ]
[kaz forces himself to look up at her. his hand is shaking, in a trade-off, but it is what it is. they're both learning things about each other that aren't meant for most people to know.]
[ It isn't the worry of judgement that makes her hesitate here (that's impossible after what he told her during the two truths one lie game), it's not knowing what he might do with the information. She can feel the slight shake in his hand though, the way he seems to be holding on against his own will here, just to try and stop her doing this thing and she doesn't know why but the sentiment... it's touching.
Her thumb shifts, stroking slightly against the back of his hand to try and be soothing, though she doesn't know if that will make it worse. ]
Back home... [ She starts it slowly, though she's done this enough times by now that it's getting easier, the words find their way out with more ease. ] Myself and my classmates are responsible for killing millions of people. The guilty. The innocent. The rich. The poor. It did not matter who it was. We were brainwashed into causing mayhem and destruction, to spread despair.
This virus is not all that dissimilar. The only difference is that I can feel the downspiral, rather than it happening in an instant.
[he would never use this information against her. which is not to say he would never use this kind of information against a person, but sonia has earned enough respect from him he wouldn't. sonia is practically one of his crew at this point. he tries not to be shocked by what she says. it's a lot to hear about. like a grisha on parem, spreading terror.
kaz hears what she doesn't say: she'll be good at it, when it happens. and that's a scary thought for her.]
If you come after me and my team, I'll kill you.
[his tone is decidedly not threatening, despite the words. if anything, it's a promise. a promise to end it, if she ended up somewhere she didn't want to be. it's not the kind of promise a nice person makes. but kaz has never claimed to be a nice person.]
[ She doesn't really know that, even if she knows that he's helped her and she's helped him by this point. She knows learning that she was infected was likely difficult as well. Still, it's good that he understands it better now. That he at least might realise why this is a safer alternative because she cannot risk harming someone just because they were there to hold her hand or hold onto her like this.
His words, at least, make her smile. It isn't a kind smile this time, just something dead. A lonely, cold smile that shows she knows what to expect should it come to it. Something accepting of her fate, so to speak. ]
Do not worry, I have already asked Giovanni to end my life should it come to it.
[ Because she's not sure how good at it Kaz will be if she's armed to the teeth either. ]
[kaz nods stiffly. she doesn't need him, after all. not that giovanni was stopping her from hurting herself now, but in the log run at least she's got someone with a solution. it makes his barging in here a little bit silly. she doesn't need someone to protect her, because shes got someone.
he lets go of her hand - it was hard enough to hold it when he had a sense of purpose, but her response and that horrible smile make him think better of it. when he pulls away, he's still shaking, but he's trying hard not to let it show.]
[ She doesn't mean it like that either, so when he pulls his hand back it makes her own feel emptier than even before. Maybe it is best she doesn't make him aware of everything else as well. The fact that her room has been torn up, furniture overturned in fits of anger they can probably hear through the wall. The fact that her arms are covered in bite marks and puncture wounds from infecting herself too often. That she's sedated herself enough times now just to have a decent rest that she's forgotten what it's like to sleep naturally. ]
He will not. Cannot.
[ There's a beat, then more coldly she murmurs: ] You may both have that in common.
[ Though with that in mind, it may be best to not think of it as her having someone to protect her. Giovanni isn't quite there yet, though he's getting closer. He may not get to reach that point before she cracks and he has to end her at this rate. ]
[it's the first most bitter thing that leaps to his mind and he says it before he has the good grace to stop himself. he's too on edge from all of this. this deficiency -- this weakness -- it was his alone. he wouldn't let him be compared to anyone else because no one else would understand what it was like. how stupid it was.
[ She pauses then, reaches up to brush hair from her face. ]
If anything, I took the steps to push my way into his life. I was trying to help him as he has never really known affection. Expecting him to "get over it" is as if expecting a miracle. He does not know what it is to get over it to begin with. Please, do not ask for the impossible.
It is not that simple. [ Kaz, you know what she's done now. Of course she's going to feel guilty for it. ] Even if I could not control myself, I still took the power from my parents and used it to destroy my entire country. If I have to work on this on my own, I will do. That is all.
[ What she isn't saying: If I cannot help find the cure for this virus, I might as well die from it. ]
My world is unfixable, it may be that this world falls into the same category. What then?
[ Her eyes close, she's just too tired to fight about this. ]
I keep working, but my concentration is getting worse and worse, so I take the oxytocin to clear my head. You might disagree with my choice on that, but I cannot ask anyone to sit here with my for hours a day just to hold onto me so I can think about something other than how hungry I am. Even now, all I can think about is the steak or burger I have in the freezer. Or the packet of cookies in the cupboard. Anything that I can chew on.
[ It's getting tiring going around in circles like this, and even if there is an experiment running in the background, she might not have the concentration or energy left after to get back to it.
The next question has her eyes darting away, her mouth setting into a firm line. ]
No. [ It's only one word, but... ] I cannot sleep, so I have been taking something to aid that.
[ And if he argues with her on that she'll only get crankier tbh. ]
[he sighs deeply, like a teacher with a young student. or a boss and his wayward gang.]
You're going to end up hurting yourself.
[they are going in circles, because that's the only way he gets all the information. but it's come full circle again and his conclusion is the same - only this time, she doesn't have the benefit of "it's only one hormone"]
[ She's going to end up lashing out if they keep going in circles like this though. ]
What does that matter?
[ It's said blunty, calmly at least though the coldness in her own expression this time isn't something to ignore. Not when normally she'd try and keep a warmer and more welcoming look about her to not be distant. This is something else. ]
[maybe kaz is a masochist, or he's so messed up that anger and coldness are easier to swallow than warmth. they feel more real to him than anything else.]
This team needs you.
[like he's said, the dead can't solve problems. it's something he's told himself over and over again. brick by brick, until pekka rollins was completely destroyed. then he can rest. then he can lay down and die. until then he'll claw his way out of that canal over and over again if he has to.]
Not just your expertise, although you know more than most people. But also....people care about you. They want you to live.
Perhaps to some extent, though it may not be as much as you think.
[ Urahara pushing her away, putting distance there has her raw in a way she doesn't want to own up to. She doesn't really know how to deal with rejection, especially when she's stuck fighting what feels like a losing battle for her consciousness on a daily basis. She can't remember the last time she slept well either, the last time she asked Haise if he was free so he could stay over and they could pretend the world wasn't going under.
It's amazing how much an infection can tell you, put thoughts into your head about what a situation reads as. ]
["I don't care about anyone" catches in his throat, but he stops himself. he'd already held her hand. which meant he'd already done the most terrifying thing in the world. she wasn't going to stop seeing him as human. or maybe she could.
a truth: he wishes he could push her to that. he can see how easy it would be to tell her no, to tell her he doesn't give a damn about whether she lives or not. it's what he would've done before. in her condition, it would probably be enough to break up whatever exists of their friendship.
he would've done it before.
there are too many people he has not been honest with. inej must be safe, wylan would be fretting too much if she wasn't. but what did she think of him before they saved her? did she imagine him not caring? did she imagine that he'd leave her? had he given her any reason not to?
kaz brekker doesn't want to be a better person. but he also knows too well the consequences of not giving at least a little to those around you. he knows the mistakes he made with inej. knows what he will never have back from jordie.
the memory of jordie is everywhere in woodhurst, and maybe so too is the memory of the boy he was who died. the boy who wanted friendships, who wanted love. the boy who would tell him he had to tell sonia he cared about her. it is sentimental. it is stupid.
but like holding hands was a cure for some of the symptoms, so too was emotional attachment. he knows that. he knows it. he knows he should've been more clear with inej. he would not take off all his armor for her, but could he not have met her halfway?
could he not give sonia something, instead of ruining another good thing in his life?]
Yes. I am here because I care about you. Because I am worried about you.
[ If anything, she's gone the opposite way. Back home she had been given little chance of making attachments, had few friends who could understand her and didn't try to take advantage of their relation with her. It's why most of her knowledge of people comes from teachings from her family of how to behave as a royal and... dramas.
It means, as well, that being in Audentes has made her realise she might have craved those attachments. There are people she's latched onto, people she's impressed and people who she just hasn't got to know yet.
In the end, even with all that though, she doesn't really expect this. She doesn't know how deep his own issues go so it's impossible for her to note just how far he's gone out of his way today, though there are signs that show it's difficult. Giovanni has similar issues, but they are also from different backgrounds in that way as well. From how Jesper has described their home to her, it isn't dark and underground as Giovanni's home was so she can't even begin to place what happened there.
She only knows that no one would talk about the queen's plague back at the morgue. It had been brushed over.
She had expected this to be brushed over as well, just as Urahara had brushed over it all when she'd broken down during a call. ]
You... [ She only manages the one word, eyes wide as if she doesn't know whether to step forward or back. All she can think to do is stand there, still as a statue as though time has really stopped. ] ...do?
[i mean, this is kaz we're talking about. it's very hard for him to admit anything about feelings, especially this. but it is true all the same, and it was worth telling.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[doing this is incredibly difficult. he's pulled a million cons and schemed a million plans, and every one of them is simpler than the act of holding sonia's hand.]
Find someone who can do this for you, instead of putting things in your body.
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Giovanni is not the type either, and... There are few others I trust with the knowledge of what I could do to them if something were to go wrong.
[ She still isn't letting go though, because even if this is hard on him, she needs the support to explain herself properly when she's still refusing. ]
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Tell me.
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Her thumb shifts, stroking slightly against the back of his hand to try and be soothing, though she doesn't know if that will make it worse. ]
Back home... [ She starts it slowly, though she's done this enough times by now that it's getting easier, the words find their way out with more ease. ] Myself and my classmates are responsible for killing millions of people. The guilty. The innocent. The rich. The poor. It did not matter who it was. We were brainwashed into causing mayhem and destruction, to spread despair.
This virus is not all that dissimilar. The only difference is that I can feel the downspiral, rather than it happening in an instant.
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kaz hears what she doesn't say: she'll be good at it, when it happens. and that's a scary thought for her.]
If you come after me and my team, I'll kill you.
[his tone is decidedly not threatening, despite the words. if anything, it's a promise. a promise to end it, if she ended up somewhere she didn't want to be. it's not the kind of promise a nice person makes. but kaz has never claimed to be a nice person.]
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His words, at least, make her smile. It isn't a kind smile this time, just something dead. A lonely, cold smile that shows she knows what to expect should it come to it. Something accepting of her fate, so to speak. ]
Do not worry, I have already asked Giovanni to end my life should it come to it.
[ Because she's not sure how good at it Kaz will be if she's armed to the teeth either. ]
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he lets go of her hand - it was hard enough to hold it when he had a sense of purpose, but her response and that horrible smile make him think better of it. when he pulls away, he's still shaking, but he's trying hard not to let it show.]
Then tell Giovanni to hold your hand.
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He will not. Cannot.
[ There's a beat, then more coldly she murmurs: ] You may both have that in common.
[ Though with that in mind, it may be best to not think of it as her having someone to protect her. Giovanni isn't quite there yet, though he's getting closer. He may not get to reach that point before she cracks and he has to end her at this rate. ]
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[it's the first most bitter thing that leaps to his mind and he says it before he has the good grace to stop himself. he's too on edge from all of this. this deficiency -- this weakness -- it was his alone. he wouldn't let him be compared to anyone else because no one else would understand what it was like. how stupid it was.
how hard it was.]
If he's going to protect you, he can get over it.
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[ She pauses then, reaches up to brush hair from her face. ]
If anything, I took the steps to push my way into his life. I was trying to help him as he has never really known affection. Expecting him to "get over it" is as if expecting a miracle. He does not know what it is to get over it to begin with. Please, do not ask for the impossible.
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Perhaps both.
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[so stop that immediately, obvs]
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[ What she isn't saying: If I cannot help find the cure for this virus, I might as well die from it. ]
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[he tells himself this every day. every day when he reminds himself what he owes to jordie.]
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[ Her eyes close, she's just too tired to fight about this. ]
I keep working, but my concentration is getting worse and worse, so I take the oxytocin to clear my head. You might disagree with my choice on that, but I cannot ask anyone to sit here with my for hours a day just to hold onto me so I can think about something other than how hungry I am. Even now, all I can think about is the steak or burger I have in the freezer. Or the packet of cookies in the cupboard. Anything that I can chew on.
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[ in other words screw worlds be selfish honestly]
Is that the only thing you're taking?
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[ It's getting tiring going around in circles like this, and even if there is an experiment running in the background, she might not have the concentration or energy left after to get back to it.
The next question has her eyes darting away, her mouth setting into a firm line. ]
No. [ It's only one word, but... ] I cannot sleep, so I have been taking something to aid that.
[ And if he argues with her on that she'll only get crankier tbh. ]
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You're going to end up hurting yourself.
[they are going in circles, because that's the only way he gets all the information. but it's come full circle again and his conclusion is the same - only this time, she doesn't have the benefit of "it's only one hormone"]
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What does that matter?
[ It's said blunty, calmly at least though the coldness in her own expression this time isn't something to ignore. Not when normally she'd try and keep a warmer and more welcoming look about her to not be distant. This is something else. ]
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This team needs you.
[like he's said, the dead can't solve problems. it's something he's told himself over and over again. brick by brick, until pekka rollins was completely destroyed. then he can rest. then he can lay down and die. until then he'll claw his way out of that canal over and over again if he has to.]
Not just your expertise, although you know more than most people. But also....people care about you. They want you to live.
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[ Urahara pushing her away, putting distance there has her raw in a way she doesn't want to own up to. She doesn't really know how to deal with rejection, especially when she's stuck fighting what feels like a losing battle for her consciousness on a daily basis. She can't remember the last time she slept well either, the last time she asked Haise if he was free so he could stay over and they could pretend the world wasn't going under.
It's amazing how much an infection can tell you, put thoughts into your head about what a situation reads as. ]
Is that why you are here?
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a truth: he wishes he could push her to that. he can see how easy it would be to tell her no, to tell her he doesn't give a damn about whether she lives or not. it's what he would've done before. in her condition, it would probably be enough to break up whatever exists of their friendship.
he would've done it before.
there are too many people he has not been honest with. inej must be safe, wylan would be fretting too much if she wasn't. but what did she think of him before they saved her? did she imagine him not caring? did she imagine that he'd leave her? had he given her any reason not to?
kaz brekker doesn't want to be a better person. but he also knows too well the consequences of not giving at least a little to those around you. he knows the mistakes he made with inej. knows what he will never have back from jordie.
the memory of jordie is everywhere in woodhurst, and maybe so too is the memory of the boy he was who died. the boy who wanted friendships, who wanted love. the boy who would tell him he had to tell sonia he cared about her. it is sentimental. it is stupid.
but like holding hands was a cure for some of the symptoms, so too was emotional attachment. he knows that. he knows it. he knows he should've been more clear with inej. he would not take off all his armor for her, but could he not have met her halfway?
could he not give sonia something, instead of ruining another good thing in his life?]
Yes. I am here because I care about you. Because I am worried about you.
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It means, as well, that being in Audentes has made her realise she might have craved those attachments. There are people she's latched onto, people she's impressed and people who she just hasn't got to know yet.
In the end, even with all that though, she doesn't really expect this. She doesn't know how deep his own issues go so it's impossible for her to note just how far he's gone out of his way today, though there are signs that show it's difficult. Giovanni has similar issues, but they are also from different backgrounds in that way as well. From how Jesper has described their home to her, it isn't dark and underground as Giovanni's home was so she can't even begin to place what happened there.
She only knows that no one would talk about the queen's plague back at the morgue. It had been brushed over.
She had expected this to be brushed over as well, just as Urahara had brushed over it all when she'd broken down during a call. ]
You... [ She only manages the one word, eyes wide as if she doesn't know whether to step forward or back. All she can think to do is stand there, still as a statue as though time has really stopped. ] ...do?
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[i mean, this is kaz we're talking about. it's very hard for him to admit anything about feelings, especially this. but it is true all the same, and it was worth telling.
especially when she seems so surprised.]
I'm hardly the only one.
[that feels worth reiterating.]
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